I’m writing a story…can u read this and then help me?
im writing a story can u read it and tell me wat u think? u can just read the prologue but im putting ch. 1 and 2 in also. i also need help with 2 names. a boy name (for rosie’s bf) and a girl name (for aaron’s gf) thanks in advance. xoxo
Prologue
I was running… Running as fast as I could possibly go. As I turned the corner I could feel my body screaming in protest. I was sprinting through a deserted building, but I didn’t know what I was looking for.
That’s when I saw the door. It was a tall black door, very spooky looking, but it also looked safe. Safer than standing out here, I thought. I ran inside and slammed the door shut. Then I turned around.
As I turned I resisted the urge to turn back and sprint out of this room. The reason? Because I was staring at someone that frightened me… and they were staring back! As I looked closer I noticed that the girl in front of me was standing in the exact same position that I was and watching me as carefully as I was watching her. This girl reminded me of someone…she reminded me of me!
She had the same body structure, hair, clothes… everything! That girl was me…except it wasn’t. My skin was pale but it wasn’t that pale. And the eyes! My eyes were a soft brown, not bloodshot. But the thing that terrified me the most was the blood-thirsty look she had on her face.
I decided that this girl was not going to move, so I took a step toward her and reached out my hand. Then I screamed.
That girl was a reflection…a reflection of the only thing in the tiny room. It was a reflection of me!
Chapter 1
I woke up screaming. It was only a dream, I told myself over and over again. I could feel the adrenaline pounding through my body. My heart pumping twice as fast as it normally does. All in response to my horrid nightmare. I began to calm myself. I concentrated on breathing slowly.
Once I was quiet I wondered why I’d been having this nightmare for the past month, but I couldn’t think of anything. I turned around and looked at the clock. It read 5:32. I couldn’t go back to sleep, I’d just have to wake back up in an hour. And I didn’t want to have the nightmare again.
I started to think about Rosie and Aaron. They are my older siblings. But both of them are gone. They both ran away the night they turned eighteen. The really weird thing is that they weren’t that type. They aren’t the kind of people that would run away with their boy/girlfriend the day they turn legal, except they did. They (Rosie especially) did really well in school and everything. But the night of their eighteenth birthday they both suddenly ran away, no notice or anything. At least, that was Aaron’s method.
Rosie was a little more rational. She left me and my parents a note. A note that didn’t say where she was going or why she was leaving. Just a note. But I guess that’s better than just leaving. I’ve always been really close to Rosie. The note she left me said:
Nikki,
I’m so sorry for what I’m about to do. Just leaving you and Mom and Dad like this. But there’s no other choice. Remember that I will miss you everyday I am gone!
Love you always and forever,
Rosie
Like I said not much information but at least it’s something I can remember her by. Her note to mom and dad was just as vague.
The three of us are all separated by three years. Aaron is 24, Rosie is 21, and I am now officially 18. My birthday is today. Everyone has been watching me very carefully this week. Like I’m about to do something wrong, but what could I do?
Oh no! I can do something wrong…something I can do tonight! They think I’m going to leave, just like Aaron and Rosie. Well, they are all wrong! I couldn’t just leave Mom and Dad like that…could I?
Chapter 2
“Nikki, come downstairs and eat breakfast,” called Mom.
“I’m coming!” I shouted back.
I tripped and scraped my arm on the tile as I ran down the stairs. I should know better than to run down the stairs, being the klutz that I am. I picked myself up and looked over my right arm. It was bleeding…a lot.
I walked back up the stairs and locked myself in the bathroom. I took a towel and wrapped it around the cut. I sat down on the edge of the bathtub as I waited for the bleeding to stop. I began to think why I hadn’t gone to the downstairs bathroom, but I already knew the answer. My parents are really sensitive to blood. I learned that the hard way. When I was five I accidentally cut myself with scissors. I went up to Mom and she fainted! So I asked Dad to get me a bandage. He threw the box at me and ran out of the room. It’s really weird but I didn’t want a repeat today.
I unwrapped the towel and examined my arm. It wasn’t bleeding as much as I thought it was. The cut wasn’t even deep and the bleeding had already stopped. I threw the towel in the hamper and went to change my clothes because the blood had stained my shirt and dripped on my pants. I pulled on my deep blue long sleeve shirt and a pair of jeans. I decided to
i dont care if u are harsh or write a lot i want feedback.
btw im going to use the prologue scene later on in the book
thank u guys soo much but i need names…
Comments (20)
its good so far, its really detailed
Jake and Lily. How are those names? You are a good writer but you threw too much information into two chapters and a prologue. It made me have a headach trying to remember who did what and who was who.
it good and highly interesting i would like to read more if you could possibly post it and again if you get it published please let me know by e-mail
snowgirl1194@yahoo.com
So first off, it seems like it has a lot of potential but I’ll give you my 2 cents on what I think.
Grammatically: You should revise your story a bit and make sure things flow, some of the sentences are choppy and a few aren’t needed. Try to make things flow more, combine sentences, don’t be afraid to kinda go out there ya know, add some interesting words make it a bit more spicy. Also, don’t add too many ! marks, maybe its just me but I feel a nice “.” would suffice, exclamations should really be used when something extreme is being said (but that’s just what I feel)
Your prologue is good but some of the sentences kinda jump back and forth in their wording make it a bit clear.
And one more thing don’t put things in your story that are irrelevant or not that important like this, “I pulled on my deep blue long sleeve shirt and a pair of jeans.” It’s not really important unless the clothes have some sort of meaning, like for example, the sisterhood of the traveling pants, in a story like that the sentence which you wrote would be relevant but in your story its not really all that important.
And just wondering, is this supposed to be a fan fiction of some sort? Or well like a story you’re posting on a site like fanfiction.net, quizzilla.com etc. etc?
Sorry I kind of wrote alot, but I hope nothing I wrote sounded harsh, just what I feel you could do to improve your story alot better, but those are just structure mistakes other than that your story sounds really good and the best of luck with it!
As for names for Rosie’s bf and Aaron’s gf.
I’m not really good with names so I wouldn’t be of much help, and the names I do like are usually eccentric but I think these names sound nice:
Guys:
Demetri and Darius are ones I really like.
As for Girls:
Andrea, Mira, Aurora, Emma
Yea I’m bad with names sorryy D:
You need more practice. like when you said “i am officially 18″ you should say today i am officially 18 so you don’t have to mention today was your birthday. You also repeat a lot of things.
“This girl reminded me of someone…she reminded me of me!”
” That girl was me…except it wasn’t. ”
“That girl was a reflection… It was a reflection of me!”
do you see.
pay more attention in english class.
Wow i really like that,that’s something a new york skilled author would write so i’d keep it up they way it is going.
this sounds really good so far (:
keep up the great work!
I loved it!!!!
Please e-mail me if it’s published.
How about the names Jessica and Max.
Yay!!
that was absolutely Fabulous.
;D
Overall, its pretty good. Some of the sentences in the prologue are a little choppy.
Ex: That’s when I saw the door. It was a tall black door, very spooky looking, but it also looked safe. Safer than standing out here, I thought. I ran inside and slammed the door shut. Then I turned around.
You don’t have to tell people when they are thinking (I thought) Try combining some of the actions ( ran inside, slam door, turn around)
omj!! its so good! i love it! tell me when your done, and ill read the whole thing!!!
i actually think it is well thought out. i would love to read more. you should email it to me when your done and as for the names
Rosie: Jake
Aaron: Lindsey
I LOVE IT! I read a lot! And I know a good story when I see one!
PLEASE email me with the rest! I want to keep reading it!
email: kennastevenson@yahoo.com
As for the names . . .
GIRL:
-Lacey
-Zoey
BOY:
-Devin
-Zach
Those are my favorite names!
P.S. I am writing a story too. If you want to hear it email me!
(that goes for everyone!)
Oh! I am a twilight maniac too! lol
Okay in the Prologue when it says:”That’s when I saw the door. It was a tall black door, very spooky looking, but it also looked safe. Safer than standing out here, I thought. I ran inside and slammed the door shut. Then I turned around.”
You should say to make it alot better is: “That’s when I saw it. It was a enormous, midnight black, spooky door that by some how looked safe. It is way much safer than being out her, I thought. I ran up to the door twisting the irregular shaped door knob. The room felt clammy. Then I turned around.”
See how much suspense I created. Show the reader not tell the reader… I got told that today. Also it is not bad to exagerate. Put your self in your characters shoes. You will feel what she feels or imagine, and you should emotionally feel like what she feels like.
You have potential. A prologue is really a preface which is when something happens later in the book. Remember my writing.
Here is adivice. Get someone you trust to read and edit your story. Like a family mem. A friend. Or someone you can trust on the computer. Also work on adding more feeling instead of say I ran inside. I turned around. It doesn’t sound that great. Add more description. If you do that, then you will be successful. Always read what you write. It is hard to see your mistakes trust me, but it gets easier.
Hope I helped. I wish you luck with your story. If you need anything you can e-mail me from my profile or if it is easier you can e-mail me at kayruda8@yahoo.com. Also, tell me when it gets published because I would read it. Also, what I did to that paragraph up there you can use. I just edited it for you, you can change it if you like. Keep on writing and never give up on your true talent. Lastly, thankyou so much for answering my question. This is my first ever answer that is long and I gave good advice, I use what I get for advice for my writing and it works!
~Kayla~
Hey there! I thought this was actually quite good. The prologue reminded me of the scene in Breaking Dawn where Bella first sees herself as a vampire for some reason. Like others have said you probably can leave some details out, like the end of the second chapter about the clothes. I’m not a writing expert so sorry if I don’t have much to say on that part.
As for names…
Rosie and:
Josh
Caleb
Alex
Ben
John
Will
Kenny
Tyler
Zach
Hudson
…Emmett ; )
Aaron and:
Becca
Rylee
Kylie
Julie
Audrey
Tess or Tessa
Tracy
Sydney
Emma
Sofia
Just gave you 10 for each hoping one will inspire you! I would love to read the whole story when it’s done, my email is tiu2g@yahoo.com
Good Luck!
That’s really good! I hope your book does well. Some good names are:
Casis (pronounced cuh-sees, girl’s name, and it is French)
Natalie (My name!
also, look up “”baby names” in Google, and find 1s from different country’s, that would sound coolio!
Good Luck!!!
this is really good =].i would so buy the book!
i love it
its so interesting and i wanna know whats gunna happen next will you email me if you finish it or some more chapters?
photogurl333@aol.com
luv it!
I liked the idea, but please do not make it about vampires, and I have a feeling that might be why the parents freak around blood. But if you decide that you do indeed want to write about vampires make it original and not just some copy of twilight.
I felt that the first chapter was repetitive, and that you directly told the reader too much information: “started to think about Rosie and Aaron. They are my older siblings. But both of them are gone. They both ran away the night they turned eighteen. The really weird thing is that they weren’t that type. They aren’t the kind of people that would run away with their boy/girlfriend the day they turn legal, except they did. They (Rosie especially) did really well in school and everything. But the night of their eighteenth birthday they both suddenly ran away, no notice or anything. At least, that was Aaron’s method. ” Make sure that you show don’t tell, so that the reader has to think. Also the ideas were quite repetitive, so read that over and see if you can cut back.
Also with the klutz thing, I feel that characters are always clumsy. So why don’t you leave that out and just have her slip, don’t directly tell us she is a klutz.
As for the names I feel like the characters should have common names, because the other names so far are semi-common: josh, pat, steve, zack, anthony, pete, sam, nathan, cory, allison, zoe, ashley, samantha, julia, diana, deirdre, and so on.
good luck!
Wow! thats really good. u have talent.
i like these names but not sure if u would too.
boy: Demetrius
Girl: Dominique